Are Your Ambitions an Escape From Your Reality? - What if we're searching for something achievement can never give us?

I've always been an ambitious person. People who know me have described me that way, both in a loving way and sometimes in a concerned way.

For most of my life, I used my ambition to drive me. Looking back, I think it was almost a way of making up for all the things I didn't like about myself. My insecurities, my fear of abandonment, my fear of being alone, my fear of being a failure and, underneath it all, my fear of not being enough.

I thought that if only I could achieve my goals, reach higher, reach further, be better, learn more, accomplish more and always have another ambition to work towards, then one day I'd finally be somebody.

The thing is, I'm somebody who has actually accomplished a lot in my life. Most of the things I've genuinely set out to do, I've done. I still have more I'd like to accomplish, but as I've got older and quietly ticked those things off my list, there's been this creeping feeling that I don't actually feel the way I thought I would.

Ambition and accomplishment almost come with this promise that once you get there you'll finally feel enough. You'll finally feel successful. You'll finally feel like somebody.

But with every accomplishment comes another ambition, another goal, another mountain to climb. It just leaves you longing for more.

So when do we ever become satisfied?

That's the question I've been asking myself.

I'm beginning to wonder whether true satisfaction isn't found in what we accomplish outside of ourselves. Maybe it isn't found in reaching higher or proving to ourselves and everyone else that we can do more.

What if it's found in being able to sit comfortably with the knowledge that who we are today is already enough?

What if the simple things are enough?

What if you are enough?

And then another question came to me.

What if ambition is sometimes a way of running away from something we don't really want to face?

What if we're always looking ahead because we don't really want to sit with where we are right now?

What if we're constantly reaching for more because we're hoping the next achievement will fill something that actually can't be filled by achievement?

Through my practice of meditation, and yoga postures in particular, I've slowly learned how to sit with what is.

As I've practised, of course I've wanted to improve. I've wanted to accomplish more challenging postures, to move with more ease, grace, balance and stability. They're all qualities I'd like to cultivate, not just on my mat but in my own life.

But every time I step onto my mat, I'm reminded that I'm not perfect. My body isn't perfect. My balance isn't perfect. Some days I wobble. Some days I lose my balance. Some days I simply can't do what I think I should be able to do.

Instead of fighting that, yoga has taught me to sit with it.

To accept that this moment is enough because it's the only moment I've really got.

Over the years, yoga has taught me to sit with my desires, my drive and my ambition. Not to get rid of them, but to look beyond them and ask myself what it is I'm actually reaching for.

For me, what I've always been reaching for wasn't really success.

It was acceptance.

It was learning to be myself, to accept myself and to love myself.

It was wanting to stop being afraid of being alone, of not being enough, of not accomplishing enough and of constantly feeling I had something to prove.

As I watch the world now, and as I watch everyone else struggling through their own lives, I'm beginning to realise they're not all that different from me.

We all seem to be reaching for something.

For some people it's success. For others it's money, relationships, recognition or the next achievement.

Even in our relationships we sometimes think, "If only my partner were different. If only they had this job, earned more money or behaved differently." We do the same with our children and with the people around us.

But what if it's not really about them?

What if it's about the expectations we're placing on them to fill something within ourselves that we're struggling to fill on our own?

Maybe that's the real question.

What is it that we're actually running away from?

What is it that we're really trying to fill?

I don't think ambition is a bad thing. I still have ambitions. I still have dreams. There are still things I'd love to create and accomplish.

But I do wonder whether ambition feels different when it comes from a place of contentment rather than a place of lack.

Maybe the greatest achievement isn't reaching the next mountain after all.

Maybe it's learning to be fully present on the one we're already standing on.

Written by Ashleigh Stewart

I write about the art of living, personal inquiry and growth through the practices of yoga, meditation, faith, and philosophy. If these reflections resonate with you, you're warmly invited to subscribe and continue the journey.